I used to judge those who defined themselves by what they owned. Filled their lives with possessions. Materialists. I have now learned I am no better, than them.
You know the guy that makes over $500K a year, owns a million dollar home and has two corvettes sitting in his garage? I used to think I was better; a bigger person, for not needing such an overabundance of 'things'. I didn't need that house or that car to feel whole. It did not make me a better, more respectable person to own these things. I was not concerned about where I lived, how much I made, or what I owned. What mattered to me was doing what I loved to do; being passionate about my life.
Then one day, as I was thinking about my career and what I wanted to do next, I realized: I measured my self worth on my accomplishments. Everything I've done, everything I didn't do, wished I had done, defined (to me) who I was to the world. I was constantly measuring my accomplishments against others, comparing my life to theirs. 'By this stage in my life I should have achieved...'. And this in itself made me no better than the man comparing his sports car to his neighbors.
Whether it's our goals and accomplishments, house or car, friends and family, we are constantly trying to fill ourselves up 'things'. We have lost what it is to just BE. We were born with nothing, we will end with nothing. What we own, make, or do, does not define who we are. It is all a mere reflection of ourselves. To find our true self, minus all the attachments, we need to learn to just BE.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Life as a Dancer
I'm a dancer. I dance. Do you like to dance? Does that mean you're a 'dancer'? Who decides? You?.....Or us? Your peers, do we decide if you're a 'dancer'? If you're good enough to be part of OUR world?
I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of making the wrong decisions. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of not doing what I love to do. Afraid of giving it my all and looking like a fool. But mostly, I am afraid of giving up, not trying, not admitting that I want it bad enough to give it all I've got even if it means I end up looking like a fool.
Dancers. We are special. If you're not part of our world it's very hard to understand us. We're dramatic. We're emotional. We're arrogant yet extremely insecure. We feel sexiest in sweatpants. Our fashion statements are hotter than any celebrity awards show. We truly feel like we are better than everyone else but give a solid effort not to show it. We all have a dream to be famous, to be the best, to make our fellow peers jealous. We walk around like we're the shit but deep down we're very intimidated and unsure of our talents....or is that just me?
Everyone seems to be so sure of themselves. But are they? Some dancers are amazing. You know it, they know it. It works. Some dancers are amazing.....they don't know it. But you know it. How could they not know? And some dancers are terrible, posers, wannabes, according to the rest of us. But they too, think they're the shit. How? How do they NOT know?
The good dancers, the ones that know......how do they know? Where did they get their unwavering confidence? Was it their teachers? Their mother? Some famous, bowed-down-to choreographer that said they were amazing? Or do they really just believe in themselves, the way we all should? OR, is it just a show? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?
I am critical. I am judgemental. Of myself and others. So how could I not be afraid that everyone else was exactly the same? Others hurt us. It's almost like they know the exact thing you don't want to hear, and that's what they say. And then we take it, and NEVER forget it. We replay it in our heads over and over, never once doubting that it's true. It's almost as if the negative comments undo any positive comment we have ever gotten, making them impossible to be true. But in the end, who's hurting us more?
"If you don't have thick skin you probably shouldn't be a dancer. You probably should be in a different profession". From a dancer that knows. And what made me realize, I am living the life I fear the most.
In our world, if you're afraid of failing, you won't make it. If you're afraid of making the wrong decisions, you won't make it. If you're afraid of being judged, you won't make it. And most of all, if you're afraid of giving it your all, only to end up looking like a fool, you won't make it. Because you won't look like a fool if you give it your all. The fool is the one who sat back wishing they had. That was me.
My whole life I have been afraid. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I wouldn't make it. Afraid my life wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. But now I see, the only thing that was holding me back, was being afraid.
I am living in a world that forces me to face my fears every day. Challenges me to not care what people think. To have confidence in what I can do. To be proud of what I have accomplished instead of comparing them to someone elses. To be happy with what I've achieved and not be jealous of what others have. Do you know how DAMN HARD that is!?
But that's reality. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of making the wrong decisions. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of not doing what I love to do. Afraid of giving it my all and looking like a fool. But mostly, I am afraid of giving up, not trying, not admitting that I want it bad enough to give it all I've got even if it means I end up looking like a fool.
Dancers. We are special. If you're not part of our world it's very hard to understand us. We're dramatic. We're emotional. We're arrogant yet extremely insecure. We feel sexiest in sweatpants. Our fashion statements are hotter than any celebrity awards show. We truly feel like we are better than everyone else but give a solid effort not to show it. We all have a dream to be famous, to be the best, to make our fellow peers jealous. We walk around like we're the shit but deep down we're very intimidated and unsure of our talents....or is that just me?
Everyone seems to be so sure of themselves. But are they? Some dancers are amazing. You know it, they know it. It works. Some dancers are amazing.....they don't know it. But you know it. How could they not know? And some dancers are terrible, posers, wannabes, according to the rest of us. But they too, think they're the shit. How? How do they NOT know?
The good dancers, the ones that know......how do they know? Where did they get their unwavering confidence? Was it their teachers? Their mother? Some famous, bowed-down-to choreographer that said they were amazing? Or do they really just believe in themselves, the way we all should? OR, is it just a show? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?
I am critical. I am judgemental. Of myself and others. So how could I not be afraid that everyone else was exactly the same? Others hurt us. It's almost like they know the exact thing you don't want to hear, and that's what they say. And then we take it, and NEVER forget it. We replay it in our heads over and over, never once doubting that it's true. It's almost as if the negative comments undo any positive comment we have ever gotten, making them impossible to be true. But in the end, who's hurting us more?
"If you don't have thick skin you probably shouldn't be a dancer. You probably should be in a different profession". From a dancer that knows. And what made me realize, I am living the life I fear the most.
In our world, if you're afraid of failing, you won't make it. If you're afraid of making the wrong decisions, you won't make it. If you're afraid of being judged, you won't make it. And most of all, if you're afraid of giving it your all, only to end up looking like a fool, you won't make it. Because you won't look like a fool if you give it your all. The fool is the one who sat back wishing they had. That was me.
My whole life I have been afraid. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I wouldn't make it. Afraid my life wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. But now I see, the only thing that was holding me back, was being afraid.
I am living in a world that forces me to face my fears every day. Challenges me to not care what people think. To have confidence in what I can do. To be proud of what I have accomplished instead of comparing them to someone elses. To be happy with what I've achieved and not be jealous of what others have. Do you know how DAMN HARD that is!?
But that's reality. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world.
Defining the Cup of Coffee
Coffee. What about it makes us feel so complete? The feeling of not being able to start your day without it? It's gone beyond the caffeine addiction. In a city that has kiddy-corner, both equally overpopulated coffee shops, it's hard not to see how much we rely on that grande, non-fat, extra hot latte.
In a world where we've become so focused on the 'Doing' and not so much on the 'Living', a cup of coffee has become so much more than a temporary, caffeinated energy boost. It's become a familiar face; a companion. When you finished that dreadful, eighteen page research paper, it was there. When you went on that first date with that guy you met online, it was there. When you just wanted that warm, cuddle-in-a-cup feeling on a cold, rainy Vancouver afternoon, it was there. Always the same, always reliable, and just the way you like it.
In focusing so much on our accomplishments and not enjoying the path that got us there, we, as a society, has lost that sense of who we are. But by ordering off that ever-expanding Starbucks menu, we have found a quick, tasty way to define who we are as people. You may be a double shot, extra hot cappucino, but I am a no whip, half sweet, toffee nut latte. By making that small decision every morning, we manage to gain that sense of self that has been lost along the way.
The actual zing of temporary awakeness for most of us has I'm sure worn off over the years of commitment. But the feeling of security and self-awareness is still there. At work, before that big manager's meeting, that cup of coffee is your reassurance that you will get through the day. At that first appointment with a new client, that latte was your conversation starter, filling the awkward silences with casual sips, and diverting unwanted topics of conversation in a more desirable direction.
Assurance. Individuality. Compatability.
Coffee. It's Confidence in a Cup.
In a world where we've become so focused on the 'Doing' and not so much on the 'Living', a cup of coffee has become so much more than a temporary, caffeinated energy boost. It's become a familiar face; a companion. When you finished that dreadful, eighteen page research paper, it was there. When you went on that first date with that guy you met online, it was there. When you just wanted that warm, cuddle-in-a-cup feeling on a cold, rainy Vancouver afternoon, it was there. Always the same, always reliable, and just the way you like it.
In focusing so much on our accomplishments and not enjoying the path that got us there, we, as a society, has lost that sense of who we are. But by ordering off that ever-expanding Starbucks menu, we have found a quick, tasty way to define who we are as people. You may be a double shot, extra hot cappucino, but I am a no whip, half sweet, toffee nut latte. By making that small decision every morning, we manage to gain that sense of self that has been lost along the way.
The actual zing of temporary awakeness for most of us has I'm sure worn off over the years of commitment. But the feeling of security and self-awareness is still there. At work, before that big manager's meeting, that cup of coffee is your reassurance that you will get through the day. At that first appointment with a new client, that latte was your conversation starter, filling the awkward silences with casual sips, and diverting unwanted topics of conversation in a more desirable direction.
Assurance. Individuality. Compatability.
Coffee. It's Confidence in a Cup.
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