Life as a Dancer

I'm a dancer. I dance. Do you like to dance? Does that mean you're a 'dancer'? Who decides? You?.....Or us? Your peers, do we decide if you're a 'dancer'? If you're good enough to be part of OUR world?

I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of making the wrong decisions. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of not doing what I love to do. Afraid of giving it my all and looking like a fool. But mostly, I am afraid of giving up, not trying, not admitting that I want it bad enough to give it all I've got even if it means I end up looking like a fool.

Dancers. We are special. If you're not part of our world it's very hard to understand us. We're dramatic. We're emotional. We're arrogant yet extremely insecure. We feel sexiest in sweatpants. Our fashion statements are hotter than any celebrity awards show. We truly feel like we are better than everyone else but give a solid effort not to show it. We all have a dream to be famous, to be the best, to make our fellow peers jealous. We walk around like we're the shit but deep down we're very intimidated and unsure of our talents....or is that just me?

Everyone seems to be so sure of themselves. But are they? Some dancers are amazing. You know it, they know it. It works. Some dancers are amazing.....they don't know it. But you know it. How could they not know? And some dancers are terrible, posers, wannabes, according to the rest of us. But they too, think they're the shit. How? How do they NOT know?

The good dancers, the ones that know......how do they know? Where did they get their unwavering confidence? Was it their teachers? Their mother? Some famous, bowed-down-to choreographer that said they were amazing? Or do they really just believe in themselves, the way we all should? OR, is it just a show? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?

I am critical. I am judgemental. Of myself and others. So how could I not be afraid that everyone else was exactly the same? Others hurt us. It's almost like they know the exact thing you don't want to hear, and that's what they say. And then we take it, and NEVER forget it. We replay it in our heads over and over, never once doubting that it's true. It's almost as if the negative comments undo any positive comment we have ever gotten, making them impossible to be true. But in the end, who's hurting us more? 

"If you don't have thick skin you probably shouldn't be a dancer. You probably should be in a different profession". From a dancer that knows. And what made me realize, I am living the life I fear the most.

In our world, if you're afraid of failing, you won't make it. If you're afraid of making the wrong decisions, you won't make it. If you're afraid of being judged, you won't make it. And most of all, if you're afraid of giving it your all, only to end up looking like a fool, you won't make it. Because you won't look like a fool if you give it your all. The fool is the one who sat back wishing they had. That was me.

My whole life I have been afraid. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I wouldn't make it. Afraid my life wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. But now I see, the only thing that was holding me back, was being afraid.

I am living in a world that forces me to face my fears every day. Challenges me to not care what people think. To have confidence in what I can do. To be proud of what I have accomplished instead of comparing them to someone elses. To be happy with what I've achieved and not be jealous of what others have. Do you know how DAMN HARD that is!?

But that's reality. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world.