Friday, December 18, 2009

Synergy vs Independence

Synergy. By definition it means the interaction of two or more agents so that their combined effect is greater than the sum of their individual effects.

Independence by definition means the state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on others.

Now the question. When it comes to dating, do you have to give up your independence to be in a relationship?

Think of all the couples in your life. All your friends that have a significant other. When you think of one person their better half immediately comes to mind. Or do they?

I have a girlfriend that has been dating the same guy for three years. I've always admired her for her confidence, charisma, and independence. Her 'I don't need anyone, I can make it on my own!' type of attitude. She was so much her own woman I sometimes forgot she had a boyfriend.

After three years of dating my girlfriend was still living in her own apartment with a roommate, and her boyfriend in his basement suite. I hadn't really thought anything of it, everyone moves at their own pace. But where were they headed? Were they really in a relationship? Or just co-existing?

If you do give up your independence to be in a relationship what replaces it? Companionship? Unconditional love?

Answer: Synergy.

Not all independence is lost when you join forces with another. But at some point that 'know all, be all' attitude needs to slip away, to make room for another person.

When you think of your coupled friends as separate people, think of their relationship. Are they happily committed to each other or just two people that happen to have stayed in a relationship, forgetting the reason why? My girlfriend and her man always seemed so cool together. Totally chill. It wasn't a big deal that she was flying home for Christmas and New Years while he stayed home at his place. But was it? How much independence can you have without leading two completely separate lives?

Be your own person. Have your own job, pay your own bills. Have your own hobby, work out schedule, whatever you'd like. I am not saying give up who you are, and what you like to do. You do not have to spend every waking moment with that person, but there needs to be a middle ground. Don't let your need to be independent keep you from having anyone real in your life. If you are really determined to do everything on your own, who are you going to share it with at the end?

Synergy creates something greater than the sum of its parts. In a healthy, supportive relationship, it's believed that you can do more, be a better version of yourself than you would alone. In a relationship, 1 person plus 1 person equals 2. In a relationship with synergy, 1 plus 1 equals 4.

Independence is hard earned. You don't just let it go for anyone. But once you find that special someone, let a part of it slide, and let them in. Let them support you, help you, make you a better version of you.

Dedicated to a man that continues to inspire me every day.

1 comment:

  1. You are an awesome writer! And I love the part about how 1+1 =4 . Now THAT's my kind of math!:)

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