Synergy. By definition it means the interaction of two or more agents so that their combined effect is greater than the sum of their individual effects.
Independence by definition means the state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on others.
Now the question. When it comes to dating, do you have to give up your independence to be in a relationship?
Think of all the couples in your life. All your friends that have a significant other. When you think of one person their better half immediately comes to mind. Or do they?
I have a girlfriend that has been dating the same guy for three years. I've always admired her for her confidence, charisma, and independence. Her 'I don't need anyone, I can make it on my own!' type of attitude. She was so much her own woman I sometimes forgot she had a boyfriend.
After three years of dating my girlfriend was still living in her own apartment with a roommate, and her boyfriend in his basement suite. I hadn't really thought anything of it, everyone moves at their own pace. But where were they headed? Were they really in a relationship? Or just co-existing?
If you do give up your independence to be in a relationship what replaces it? Companionship? Unconditional love?
Answer: Synergy.
Not all independence is lost when you join forces with another. But at some point that 'know all, be all' attitude needs to slip away, to make room for another person.
When you think of your coupled friends as separate people, think of their relationship. Are they happily committed to each other or just two people that happen to have stayed in a relationship, forgetting the reason why? My girlfriend and her man always seemed so cool together. Totally chill. It wasn't a big deal that she was flying home for Christmas and New Years while he stayed home at his place. But was it? How much independence can you have without leading two completely separate lives?
Be your own person. Have your own job, pay your own bills. Have your own hobby, work out schedule, whatever you'd like. I am not saying give up who you are, and what you like to do. You do not have to spend every waking moment with that person, but there needs to be a middle ground. Don't let your need to be independent keep you from having anyone real in your life. If you are really determined to do everything on your own, who are you going to share it with at the end?
Synergy creates something greater than the sum of its parts. In a healthy, supportive relationship, it's believed that you can do more, be a better version of yourself than you would alone. In a relationship, 1 person plus 1 person equals 2. In a relationship with synergy, 1 plus 1 equals 4.
Independence is hard earned. You don't just let it go for anyone. But once you find that special someone, let a part of it slide, and let them in. Let them support you, help you, make you a better version of you.
Dedicated to a man that continues to inspire me every day.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
When He.
When he talks, I listen.
When he sings, I dance.
When he laughs, I smile.
When he cries, I ache.
When he whispers, I weaken.
When he sleeps, I protect.
When he walks, I prance.
When he runs, I sprint.
When he watches, I wonder.
When he wanders, I abide.
When he falls, I anchor.
When he succeeds, I shine.
When he works, I wait.
When he plays, I forget.
When he dances, I giggle.
And when he loves, I soar.
When he sings, I dance.
When he laughs, I smile.
When he cries, I ache.
When he whispers, I weaken.
When he sleeps, I protect.
When he walks, I prance.
When he runs, I sprint.
When he watches, I wonder.
When he wanders, I abide.
When he falls, I anchor.
When he succeeds, I shine.
When he works, I wait.
When he plays, I forget.
When he dances, I giggle.
And when he loves, I soar.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
If All Else Fails, Marry For Money
We've all heard it. One way or another, someone has giving us that 'if all else fails' advice: "Marry for money!"
An interesting theory was brought to my attention one dreary, dark Vancouver afternoon. I found myself listening to a story about a man in his mid fifties that had just had a hot, steamy night with a Spanish beauty about half his age. As the story went on, I learned he was a private investor working out of Vancouver (so, loaded), a divorcee, and had a string of twenty something women tied up in his little black book. I was not surprised by this tale, but still disgusted.
Not saying either party is perfect, but why are there so many women out there that are willing to love and care for one person their whole life, and so many men that aren't?
One undeniable quality about this particular man was his overflowing savings account. Which meant what? Unlimited wealth. Unlimited spending money. Unlimited, unlimited, unlimited.
It is easy to assume that a man with unlimited amounts of money knows no limits when it comes to spending. Especially if he was born into money, he knows no constraint. He's had everything he's ever wanted, where and when he wanted it. But what about the other aspects of his life? Is it possible this way of thinking has leaked into other areas beyond the check book?
Think about how many men you know that are in their fifties, divorced, married to their work, and spend each weekend with a different woman young enough to be their daughter. Sadly, I can think of quite a few. But where were these men twenty five years ago? Were they living the same way they are now? Or had the settled down, only to find that they couldn't handle being restrained to just one woman for the rest of their life?
A wise man once told me, if you're still living like your twenty when you're fifty, you've done something wrong. This is a classic example of the male species never growing up. And why should they? They've had everything they've ever wanted their whole lives at their fingertips. Is that all supposed to change when they hit thirty and are expected to tie the knot? Highly unlikely.
All I can say is, be wary when you set out to marry a man for money. When it comes to family money, it's quite possible the man knows no boundaries. A man that can buy anything he wants may easily confuse that with a concept of having whatever he wants. A popular and misguided misconception.
Constraint is good. Restraint is good. They both play an important role the moral laws of life. Advice from a wise man I know. Sounds like a keeper.
An interesting theory was brought to my attention one dreary, dark Vancouver afternoon. I found myself listening to a story about a man in his mid fifties that had just had a hot, steamy night with a Spanish beauty about half his age. As the story went on, I learned he was a private investor working out of Vancouver (so, loaded), a divorcee, and had a string of twenty something women tied up in his little black book. I was not surprised by this tale, but still disgusted.
Not saying either party is perfect, but why are there so many women out there that are willing to love and care for one person their whole life, and so many men that aren't?
One undeniable quality about this particular man was his overflowing savings account. Which meant what? Unlimited wealth. Unlimited spending money. Unlimited, unlimited, unlimited.
It is easy to assume that a man with unlimited amounts of money knows no limits when it comes to spending. Especially if he was born into money, he knows no constraint. He's had everything he's ever wanted, where and when he wanted it. But what about the other aspects of his life? Is it possible this way of thinking has leaked into other areas beyond the check book?
Think about how many men you know that are in their fifties, divorced, married to their work, and spend each weekend with a different woman young enough to be their daughter. Sadly, I can think of quite a few. But where were these men twenty five years ago? Were they living the same way they are now? Or had the settled down, only to find that they couldn't handle being restrained to just one woman for the rest of their life?
A wise man once told me, if you're still living like your twenty when you're fifty, you've done something wrong. This is a classic example of the male species never growing up. And why should they? They've had everything they've ever wanted their whole lives at their fingertips. Is that all supposed to change when they hit thirty and are expected to tie the knot? Highly unlikely.
All I can say is, be wary when you set out to marry a man for money. When it comes to family money, it's quite possible the man knows no boundaries. A man that can buy anything he wants may easily confuse that with a concept of having whatever he wants. A popular and misguided misconception.
Constraint is good. Restraint is good. They both play an important role the moral laws of life. Advice from a wise man I know. Sounds like a keeper.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Love
I am afraid
Afraid to laugh with you
Cry with you
Walk with you
Talk with you
Lay with you
Feel your hands run over my body
Have you hold me so close to your chest I can feel your heart beating on my cheek
Kiss me so deeply I forget where I am
Hear you say that you love me
Make love to me like we were made for each other
Make memories that will last longer than this life time
I am afraid because I am in love with you
So in love with you it hurts
And if I lost you
I don't know how I could live without you.
Afraid to laugh with you
Cry with you
Walk with you
Talk with you
Lay with you
Feel your hands run over my body
Have you hold me so close to your chest I can feel your heart beating on my cheek
Kiss me so deeply I forget where I am
Hear you say that you love me
Make love to me like we were made for each other
Make memories that will last longer than this life time
I am afraid because I am in love with you
So in love with you it hurts
And if I lost you
I don't know how I could live without you.
Dating
Natalie is 26 years old. She is a lawyer at a well established law firm downtown, lives in a two bedroom penthouse, and has her own personal trainer.
Steve is also 26 years old. He is construction worker. He lives in a small bachelor pad, drives a station wagon, and has a pet lab.
Everyone defines their self worth with a person, place, or thing. I am a good person because I work for an oil and gas company, make three figures a year, and own a country home up in Whistler. Or even better, I'm a good person because I'm dating a person that works at an oil and gas company, makes three figures a year, and owns a country home up in Whistler. Not only to we measure our own self worth by our career, possessions, or savings account, we carry it over to everyone we meet. And if they don't pass our standards, they're not worth our time. We think we know a person by knowing what they do, where they live, and what they drive, because that is how we know ourselves. But in truth, we don't know them at all. Even more important, we don't know ourselves.
If we don't know ourselves, how can we know who is good for us? Just because you like the same italian restaurant, both have a cat, and go to the same gym, does not mean you are meant to be together, because these things do not define who you are. They are a mere reflection of your personality, but they are not YOU.
If we stopped defining ourselves by what we do or have, if we stopped defining others with the same and really listened to who they are and what they have to say, we would see them for who they really are. And isn't that what we all want in the end? To have a connection with someone? To know that they think the way you do, feel the way you do, about things that are important to both of you?
What you don't know about Natalie is that she's not just a lawyer with her own two bedroom penthouse and personal trainer. She went to law school because her mother went to law school. She wanted to be a gymnast, and wonders every day what would have happened if she followed her dream.
What you don't know about Steve is that he is an artist. He works as a construction worker to pay for his small bachelor pad and his well loved station wagon. He could have gone to university and become a doctor but instead he followed his dream and in a few years will be offered his own gallery.
Steve will look at Natalie and assume that she is a high powered career type only interested in making a lot of money. He will also feel that he is inadequate compared to her lifestyle and therefor she will never be interested in him.
Natalie will look at Steve and think that he has no motivation or passion in life and only works his mediocure job to spend all his money drinking with the boys.
If they could both get passed their assumptions, Natalie would see that Steve is living out his passion, and it would inspire her to do the same. Steve would see that Natalie doesn't just care about making money, and would encourage her to pursue her dreams.
Steve is also 26 years old. He is construction worker. He lives in a small bachelor pad, drives a station wagon, and has a pet lab.
Everyone defines their self worth with a person, place, or thing. I am a good person because I work for an oil and gas company, make three figures a year, and own a country home up in Whistler. Or even better, I'm a good person because I'm dating a person that works at an oil and gas company, makes three figures a year, and owns a country home up in Whistler. Not only to we measure our own self worth by our career, possessions, or savings account, we carry it over to everyone we meet. And if they don't pass our standards, they're not worth our time. We think we know a person by knowing what they do, where they live, and what they drive, because that is how we know ourselves. But in truth, we don't know them at all. Even more important, we don't know ourselves.
If we don't know ourselves, how can we know who is good for us? Just because you like the same italian restaurant, both have a cat, and go to the same gym, does not mean you are meant to be together, because these things do not define who you are. They are a mere reflection of your personality, but they are not YOU.
If we stopped defining ourselves by what we do or have, if we stopped defining others with the same and really listened to who they are and what they have to say, we would see them for who they really are. And isn't that what we all want in the end? To have a connection with someone? To know that they think the way you do, feel the way you do, about things that are important to both of you?
What you don't know about Natalie is that she's not just a lawyer with her own two bedroom penthouse and personal trainer. She went to law school because her mother went to law school. She wanted to be a gymnast, and wonders every day what would have happened if she followed her dream.
What you don't know about Steve is that he is an artist. He works as a construction worker to pay for his small bachelor pad and his well loved station wagon. He could have gone to university and become a doctor but instead he followed his dream and in a few years will be offered his own gallery.
Steve will look at Natalie and assume that she is a high powered career type only interested in making a lot of money. He will also feel that he is inadequate compared to her lifestyle and therefor she will never be interested in him.
Natalie will look at Steve and think that he has no motivation or passion in life and only works his mediocure job to spend all his money drinking with the boys.
If they could both get passed their assumptions, Natalie would see that Steve is living out his passion, and it would inspire her to do the same. Steve would see that Natalie doesn't just care about making money, and would encourage her to pursue her dreams.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Definition of Self
I used to judge those who defined themselves by what they owned. Filled their lives with possessions. Materialists. I have now learned I am no better, than them.
You know the guy that makes over $500K a year, owns a million dollar home and has two corvettes sitting in his garage? I used to think I was better; a bigger person, for not needing such an overabundance of 'things'. I didn't need that house or that car to feel whole. It did not make me a better, more respectable person to own these things. I was not concerned about where I lived, how much I made, or what I owned. What mattered to me was doing what I loved to do; being passionate about my life.
Then one day, as I was thinking about my career and what I wanted to do next, I realized: I measured my self worth on my accomplishments. Everything I've done, everything I didn't do, wished I had done, defined (to me) who I was to the world. I was constantly measuring my accomplishments against others, comparing my life to theirs. 'By this stage in my life I should have achieved...'. And this in itself made me no better than the man comparing his sports car to his neighbors.
Whether it's our goals and accomplishments, house or car, friends and family, we are constantly trying to fill ourselves up 'things'. We have lost what it is to just BE. We were born with nothing, we will end with nothing. What we own, make, or do, does not define who we are. It is all a mere reflection of ourselves. To find our true self, minus all the attachments, we need to learn to just BE.
You know the guy that makes over $500K a year, owns a million dollar home and has two corvettes sitting in his garage? I used to think I was better; a bigger person, for not needing such an overabundance of 'things'. I didn't need that house or that car to feel whole. It did not make me a better, more respectable person to own these things. I was not concerned about where I lived, how much I made, or what I owned. What mattered to me was doing what I loved to do; being passionate about my life.
Then one day, as I was thinking about my career and what I wanted to do next, I realized: I measured my self worth on my accomplishments. Everything I've done, everything I didn't do, wished I had done, defined (to me) who I was to the world. I was constantly measuring my accomplishments against others, comparing my life to theirs. 'By this stage in my life I should have achieved...'. And this in itself made me no better than the man comparing his sports car to his neighbors.
Whether it's our goals and accomplishments, house or car, friends and family, we are constantly trying to fill ourselves up 'things'. We have lost what it is to just BE. We were born with nothing, we will end with nothing. What we own, make, or do, does not define who we are. It is all a mere reflection of ourselves. To find our true self, minus all the attachments, we need to learn to just BE.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Life as a Dancer
I'm a dancer. I dance. Do you like to dance? Does that mean you're a 'dancer'? Who decides? You?.....Or us? Your peers, do we decide if you're a 'dancer'? If you're good enough to be part of OUR world?
I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of making the wrong decisions. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of not doing what I love to do. Afraid of giving it my all and looking like a fool. But mostly, I am afraid of giving up, not trying, not admitting that I want it bad enough to give it all I've got even if it means I end up looking like a fool.
Dancers. We are special. If you're not part of our world it's very hard to understand us. We're dramatic. We're emotional. We're arrogant yet extremely insecure. We feel sexiest in sweatpants. Our fashion statements are hotter than any celebrity awards show. We truly feel like we are better than everyone else but give a solid effort not to show it. We all have a dream to be famous, to be the best, to make our fellow peers jealous. We walk around like we're the shit but deep down we're very intimidated and unsure of our talents....or is that just me?
Everyone seems to be so sure of themselves. But are they? Some dancers are amazing. You know it, they know it. It works. Some dancers are amazing.....they don't know it. But you know it. How could they not know? And some dancers are terrible, posers, wannabes, according to the rest of us. But they too, think they're the shit. How? How do they NOT know?
The good dancers, the ones that know......how do they know? Where did they get their unwavering confidence? Was it their teachers? Their mother? Some famous, bowed-down-to choreographer that said they were amazing? Or do they really just believe in themselves, the way we all should? OR, is it just a show? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?
I am critical. I am judgemental. Of myself and others. So how could I not be afraid that everyone else was exactly the same? Others hurt us. It's almost like they know the exact thing you don't want to hear, and that's what they say. And then we take it, and NEVER forget it. We replay it in our heads over and over, never once doubting that it's true. It's almost as if the negative comments undo any positive comment we have ever gotten, making them impossible to be true. But in the end, who's hurting us more?
"If you don't have thick skin you probably shouldn't be a dancer. You probably should be in a different profession". From a dancer that knows. And what made me realize, I am living the life I fear the most.
In our world, if you're afraid of failing, you won't make it. If you're afraid of making the wrong decisions, you won't make it. If you're afraid of being judged, you won't make it. And most of all, if you're afraid of giving it your all, only to end up looking like a fool, you won't make it. Because you won't look like a fool if you give it your all. The fool is the one who sat back wishing they had. That was me.
My whole life I have been afraid. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I wouldn't make it. Afraid my life wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. But now I see, the only thing that was holding me back, was being afraid.
I am living in a world that forces me to face my fears every day. Challenges me to not care what people think. To have confidence in what I can do. To be proud of what I have accomplished instead of comparing them to someone elses. To be happy with what I've achieved and not be jealous of what others have. Do you know how DAMN HARD that is!?
But that's reality. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am afraid. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of making the wrong decisions. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of not doing what I love to do. Afraid of giving it my all and looking like a fool. But mostly, I am afraid of giving up, not trying, not admitting that I want it bad enough to give it all I've got even if it means I end up looking like a fool.
Dancers. We are special. If you're not part of our world it's very hard to understand us. We're dramatic. We're emotional. We're arrogant yet extremely insecure. We feel sexiest in sweatpants. Our fashion statements are hotter than any celebrity awards show. We truly feel like we are better than everyone else but give a solid effort not to show it. We all have a dream to be famous, to be the best, to make our fellow peers jealous. We walk around like we're the shit but deep down we're very intimidated and unsure of our talents....or is that just me?
Everyone seems to be so sure of themselves. But are they? Some dancers are amazing. You know it, they know it. It works. Some dancers are amazing.....they don't know it. But you know it. How could they not know? And some dancers are terrible, posers, wannabes, according to the rest of us. But they too, think they're the shit. How? How do they NOT know?
The good dancers, the ones that know......how do they know? Where did they get their unwavering confidence? Was it their teachers? Their mother? Some famous, bowed-down-to choreographer that said they were amazing? Or do they really just believe in themselves, the way we all should? OR, is it just a show? Are they just as insecure as the rest of us?
I am critical. I am judgemental. Of myself and others. So how could I not be afraid that everyone else was exactly the same? Others hurt us. It's almost like they know the exact thing you don't want to hear, and that's what they say. And then we take it, and NEVER forget it. We replay it in our heads over and over, never once doubting that it's true. It's almost as if the negative comments undo any positive comment we have ever gotten, making them impossible to be true. But in the end, who's hurting us more?
"If you don't have thick skin you probably shouldn't be a dancer. You probably should be in a different profession". From a dancer that knows. And what made me realize, I am living the life I fear the most.
In our world, if you're afraid of failing, you won't make it. If you're afraid of making the wrong decisions, you won't make it. If you're afraid of being judged, you won't make it. And most of all, if you're afraid of giving it your all, only to end up looking like a fool, you won't make it. Because you won't look like a fool if you give it your all. The fool is the one who sat back wishing they had. That was me.
My whole life I have been afraid. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I wouldn't make it. Afraid my life wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. But now I see, the only thing that was holding me back, was being afraid.
I am living in a world that forces me to face my fears every day. Challenges me to not care what people think. To have confidence in what I can do. To be proud of what I have accomplished instead of comparing them to someone elses. To be happy with what I've achieved and not be jealous of what others have. Do you know how DAMN HARD that is!?
But that's reality. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world.
Defining the Cup of Coffee
Coffee. What about it makes us feel so complete? The feeling of not being able to start your day without it? It's gone beyond the caffeine addiction. In a city that has kiddy-corner, both equally overpopulated coffee shops, it's hard not to see how much we rely on that grande, non-fat, extra hot latte.
In a world where we've become so focused on the 'Doing' and not so much on the 'Living', a cup of coffee has become so much more than a temporary, caffeinated energy boost. It's become a familiar face; a companion. When you finished that dreadful, eighteen page research paper, it was there. When you went on that first date with that guy you met online, it was there. When you just wanted that warm, cuddle-in-a-cup feeling on a cold, rainy Vancouver afternoon, it was there. Always the same, always reliable, and just the way you like it.
In focusing so much on our accomplishments and not enjoying the path that got us there, we, as a society, has lost that sense of who we are. But by ordering off that ever-expanding Starbucks menu, we have found a quick, tasty way to define who we are as people. You may be a double shot, extra hot cappucino, but I am a no whip, half sweet, toffee nut latte. By making that small decision every morning, we manage to gain that sense of self that has been lost along the way.
The actual zing of temporary awakeness for most of us has I'm sure worn off over the years of commitment. But the feeling of security and self-awareness is still there. At work, before that big manager's meeting, that cup of coffee is your reassurance that you will get through the day. At that first appointment with a new client, that latte was your conversation starter, filling the awkward silences with casual sips, and diverting unwanted topics of conversation in a more desirable direction.
Assurance. Individuality. Compatability.
Coffee. It's Confidence in a Cup.
In a world where we've become so focused on the 'Doing' and not so much on the 'Living', a cup of coffee has become so much more than a temporary, caffeinated energy boost. It's become a familiar face; a companion. When you finished that dreadful, eighteen page research paper, it was there. When you went on that first date with that guy you met online, it was there. When you just wanted that warm, cuddle-in-a-cup feeling on a cold, rainy Vancouver afternoon, it was there. Always the same, always reliable, and just the way you like it.
In focusing so much on our accomplishments and not enjoying the path that got us there, we, as a society, has lost that sense of who we are. But by ordering off that ever-expanding Starbucks menu, we have found a quick, tasty way to define who we are as people. You may be a double shot, extra hot cappucino, but I am a no whip, half sweet, toffee nut latte. By making that small decision every morning, we manage to gain that sense of self that has been lost along the way.
The actual zing of temporary awakeness for most of us has I'm sure worn off over the years of commitment. But the feeling of security and self-awareness is still there. At work, before that big manager's meeting, that cup of coffee is your reassurance that you will get through the day. At that first appointment with a new client, that latte was your conversation starter, filling the awkward silences with casual sips, and diverting unwanted topics of conversation in a more desirable direction.
Assurance. Individuality. Compatability.
Coffee. It's Confidence in a Cup.
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